I think it might be time to end this diary. I've had it since July '02, and lately it's become a place of hidden meanings behind words. A place where I no longer feel comfortable describing my feelings and thoughts. I'm starting to draw back into myself, starting to become even more introverted, and it's not comfortable.
I guess I'll miss having a place to go where I spill out stupid, silly thoughts about the weather or complaints about classes, but then, maybe in awhile I'll feel comfortable again.
Cosí, fino al prossimo tempo, i miei amori, ciao.
May 08, 2005 | 2:57 p.m.
You wouldn't believe how beautiful it is outside today. It's such a shame that I have to sit here and study. I've spent the past 5 hours accomplishing only 2 geology exams. It is exhausting. I need to put this book away so I can move on to anthropology for the rest of the day, though. I'll tackle Italian Monday night, and then save the rest of my geology for Tuesday night through Wednesday. Hopefully I'll be able to pull an all-nighter with that.
But, with good news, I love fruits and veggies. From now on, any fruits or veggies that I do need, I'll be drivin' my butt to the FruitFarm. It's unreal how much better everything tastes from there. I definitely want a garden when I get married. Yum. And since I'm learning about all the types of soil in chapter 14 of my wonderful geology book, I'll be all up on that shit. Oh yeah.
I'm so excited for this semester to be over. I'm excited for a little break where I can completely forget about classes for a few days. I'm not even going to worry about summer classes and the fact that 3 hours a day 4 days a week is a lot. I'm gonna let it all go for a few days, spend a lot of time in the sunshine, and clear my head.
Oh, I can't wait.
May 07, 2005 | 3:02 p.m.
Four years have past since you left us. I still miss you, Celeste. I think about you from time to time, and when Uncle Kracker plays on the radio, I'm automatically reminded of you. I reminisce. I smile. I giggle. I cry.
Your death has been one of the hardest for me. I guess, selfishly, I always imagined that you'd be here. I often wonder how different things would have turned out had you not passed away.
I recall that day so clearly. The day Crystal called me after class. The day that you were supposed to come home. It'd only been 2 weeks since grandpa had passed away, and the news I received that evening completely overwhelmed me. I can still hear her voice, her words, her tones. I remember exactly how I felt, and how I wished I could make everything better.
I can't believe it's been four years. So much has happened since then, but still there are things that have stayed the same.
I always wanted to thank you, but never got to, for your beautiful daughter. You raised her well, and she has an amazing heart. She's a lot like you, and you'd be really proud of her. Actually, I'm sure that you already are.
So, today I thank you for what joy you did bring to my life all the years I knew you. I'll always remember you.
Missing you from afar, but always near to my heart.
May 07, 2005 | 9:16 a.m.
I woke up this morning at 6:53am, and the sky was gray and cloud covered. I laid there for a minute thinking, "What day is this? It has to be Saturday. Did I sleep until 6:53pm on Saturday?" A little freaked out, I reached over to tap my alarm clock, and then was relieved to see that it was still 6:53am. It's rainy and overcast, so I guess that's why I thought I had slept the entire day away.
So, here I sit eating my breakfast. I love routines. I enjoy sticking with them until I get bored, but I don't really change them entirely afterward. Just a little bit of different makes all the difference for me.
Plans for today? Shower, breakfast, shopping, gym, putz around, (maybe a nap), geology, anthropology. I guess mom and dad wanted to see me this weekend, it being Mother's Day on Sunday and all, but I have finals Monday-Wednesday night. Supposedly they were a little disappointed, but oh well. I wasn't being rude. It's just that, for how much dad shoves school down my throat, he seems to want to see me more than anything as of late. I love them. I really do. But, I have other things to do this weekend that are very important to me. And, it's not just studying. There are other things involved in my life right now.
Woah. Go off on a tangent much? Nonetheless, I have stuff to do today in this rainy weather. It's sure to be a busy weekend.
May 06, 2005 | 12:00 p.m.
I'm tired. I can't seem to catch up on sleep. I have more energy than usual, and I tend to not want to go to sleep until 3am, but my body is clearly exhausted before 3am. Right now my eyes feel so heavy, but my energy level is unbelievably high.
Today was my last day of classes for the semester. Now, I only have to worry about finals. Which is actually a lot, but I'm glad the semester is almost over. Not a perfect semester this time, but overall, I guess it's been okay. Actually, I'm always okay with everything in my life.
Yesterday was the first day, in a very long time, that I actually felt beautiful. Has it held over into today? Nah, not really. But. I'm still all smiles. It's another sun shining day, the leaves are coming out more and more each day, and even if I don't always feel beautiful, everything around me is completely beautiful.
Mk. I have more feelings racing through my body than actual words to type, so it's time for me to get ready for the gym.
Fino al prossimo tempo, i miei amori, ciao.
May 05, 2005 | 4:45 p.m.
Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe. -St. Augustine
May 05, 2005 | 3:29 p.m.
I feel fantastic today. Okay, so, I'm a little tired (maybe more than a little,) but other than that - fanfreakintastic!
It's 63°F (the F stands for fantastic today,) and the sun is shining. Gas prices went down, at least for today, the gym felt amazing, and here I am smiling.
And, ya'know, that's all I have to say.
Oh, !Feliz Cinco de Mayo!
May 04, 2005 | 11:00 p.m.
A joke that made me giggle!
Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs, "Was I getting into or out of the bath?"
The 74-year-old yelled back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
May 04, 2005 | 12:15 p.m.
This blueberry yogurt tastes pretty good. I'm usually a strawberry and raspberry girl, but since blueberry came in this bunch I'm lovin' all over it.
I can't believe it's Wednesday already. I'm stuck in procrastination city and haven't done any geology all week. I'm insane if I think I'll save it all for the last minute; therefore, I should probably get my ass in gear and do some more tonight. My weekend will be spent studying for finals, so I need to stop being dumb. Mm hmm.
After my last final, I'll have a week off before I start summer classes. I will be spending that week, cleaning my apartment and strangling the cats because they make my place dirty - with their cat hair, puke, and crap! Ugh.
So, there are some things that I need to do today. Lots on my mind, and lots of new things to do before headin' off to the gym for the day.
Fino al prossimo tempo, arrivederci, i miei amori.
May 03, 2005 | 8:21 p.m.
It's braggin' time. Guess who has gotten 100% on every single test she's taken this semester in Italian? That's right. ME! I'm proud of myself.
May 03, 2005 | 3:06 p.m.
It's another overcast, semi-rainy day. I feel like I'm living in Seattle. The odd thing, after I saw the movie Sleepless in Seattle, I wanted to move there because they said, "It rains nine months out of the year in Seattle." Oh, but that's still one of those movies that fits a Saturday perfectly. A rainy Saturday, after sleeping in until 10am, where a late breakfast is suitable, and when you flip on the TV to find that Sleepless in Seattle is playing on TNT. Perfect.
It's also still chilly enough for me to drive with the heater on. Today I slipped off my shoes so my toes could get warm. They were freezing. Driving in white ankle socks, without shoes, is kinda sexy. Right? You bet.
So, "A" bought me roses because I've been feelin' blue. I even made a ghetto-fabulous vase out of a distilled water jug, too. I can get real creative, ya'know. But. What girl doesn't love getting flowers? Flowers just because and flowers to make you feel better. Beautiful.
That makes me think. I don't remember dad ever buying mom flowers just because. He usually only bought them, if ever, for a special occassion [e.g. Valentine's Day]. Like all girls, I hope my husband still does special things for me even after years and years of marriage.
Anyway, I had a really long night. Actually, it was early morning. When I got home, a lil' after 3am, I crawled right into bed and crashed. Usually I like to daydream a little before falling asleep, but as soon as I closed my eyes, I was out. I'm runnin' on only a few hours of sleep, had to run around earlier today, and on top of class until 8pm, plus having to go into PA later tonight, I'm gonna be a sleepy girl.
But. Mmm... the sun is peakin' through, and ya'know, it's supposed to be beautiful for the rest of the week. I'll cross my fingers.
Mk. I'm gonna go grab a late lunch, watch some TV, and then head down to campus.
Fino al prossimo tempo, i miei amori, ciao.
May 02, 2005 | 10:39 p.m.
Cold. That pretty much sums up my day.
It snowed, it rained, the wind blew, the shit flew (actually it didn't, but dad always used to say that), and that's about it.
There's a lot going on with me, and a lot racing through my mind. Not a single person knows completely what's going on, and hopefully I can keep it that way for quite some time.
Today is my day of crying. I'm a very typical, emotional female.
I need to go pray.
May 02, 2005 | 11:42 a.m.
Well, g'd morning May snow flurries.
May 02, 2005 | 1:31 a.m.
Colorgenics - It's funny how when I do this, it always comes close to describing exactly what I'm feeling.
You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realization of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.
At this time you 'need to be needed' and again you 'need to need'. You have had this feeling for some time now and you are looking for someone who could share a close bond in an atmosphere of shared intimacy. You have the belief that with the right person you could conquer the world.
You are a dreamer and you seek perfection in any relationship that you may establish. Some of your ideas and standards are over the top so it may be a good idea to review your perception of life and accept people for what they are - not for what you would like them to be.
From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.
You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.
May 01, 2005 | 9:25 p.m.
I spent the afternoon curled up on the sofa watching Shall We Dance, and I absolutely loved it. First off, I heart Jennifer Lopez. Second off, I enjoy every movie made that has dancing in it. So, oh yeah.
The rest of the late afternoon/early evening was spent in the shower (by candlelight - which felt fantastic) and doing geology. And, tonight I spent time in the kitchen cookin' my dinner. It was actually pretty tasty. I always enjoy boiled chicken with tons of chicken bouillon cubes. I put the broccoli on top of my baked potato with a lil' butter, and had applesauce for dessert. It was delicious.
So, tomorrow is another Monday. A Monday that brings finals week closer and closer. I have a lot to accomplish this week, and hopefully it'll get finished.
Fino al prossimo tempo, i miei amori, ciao.
May 01, 2005 | 10:26 a.m.
When I was growing up, May was my favorite month of the year. Part of me, infact, has always thought about my wedding being in May. This month always reminds me of new beginnings. The leaves are new and still growing, the grass is getting greener by the day, the April showers will subside and become filled with endless days of sunshine, and May will become the most beautiful month to me.
I still think about May the same way. Last summer, in the park, a couple got married. It was such a gorgeous day. The temperature was perfect, the sun was shining, the breeze was soothing and not overpowering, and nature made their special day all the more beautiful.
I still don't daydream about my wedding day, but lately I've found myself thinking about it a little more than usual. I start wondering what the church will look like, what my gown might look like, what colors I'd choose, if I'd sing to my groom, and even though I don't have the specifics figured out, these random thoughts keep fluttering through my head like anxious little butterflies.
If and when I get married, I will be the first grandchild to have a wedding. (I'll be the first to graduate college, too.) Everyone else got married through other means. And, most of those marriages have ended in seperation/divorce. I try not to think about it too much because I know a lot of people are counting on me. For some odd reason, my family is waiting on me. They're waiting for me to graduate, and they're waiting for me to marry. Some days I think about it, and the pressure of not failing because I don't want to let anyone down, tends to overcome me. But. For the most part, I go about my daily life as usual. I believe everything will happen when it's ready to happen. Of course, at times, I get impatient, but it'll all be worth the wait.
So, another May is upon us. Another May of new beginnings. I have a feeling that it's going to be exquisite.